LFG: Looking For Groomsmen
I’m getting married this fall and I’m in need of a few good men. If you’re looking for a free meal, a chance to hit on emotionally charged members of both sexes, and a potentially endless supply of booze, then look no further.
Here’s what I need:
Manliness tempered with humility - Is your jaw chiseled from a mountain? Do women come flocking to you for no reason other than for the chance to bask in the manly musk that exudes from your pores that were undoubtedly carved by meteors that crashed into you on that fateful night you were born? When Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel lose a fight to Brock Samson, do they consult you for martial arts tips? When you receive emails about enlargement “down under” do you scoff at the comparatively small sizes they offer? Good.
Now, are you willing to throw that all away so that for one day, you’ll look worse than me in a tux? For one day, are you willing to be at the complete whim of myself and my undoubtedly stressed bride-to-be? And for at least the first half that day, are you willing to hold back on your gout-inducing, knee-jerk reflex to drink away your problems with grain alcohol fermented by 19 generations of drunk-as-shit German monks? Excellent, then read on.
Nerdiness - I want a god damn awesome D&D game at a swank hotel suite for my bachelor party. I’m not kidding around here folks. If you can’t deliver on this, then stop reading right now, put down your Jack Johnson playing iPod, find the closest IT guy and punch him in the face because you might as well be a jock. If my bachelor party doesn’t have fire-breathing dragons, barrel-chested bloodthirsty vikings and voluptuous orc strippers gyrating to Kanye West’s “Monster” (in-game only if you’re reading this sweetie!) then its a complete failure. If you take this to mean I want hookers on a bed made of fine Columbian coke, then you’re fired. If you take this to mean that by the end of the night I’m yelling “two natural 20s! that makes a 40. Now gimme another Old English, Galstaf, Sorcerer of Light!” then you’re hired right now.
Oh yeah, and you have to be willing to wear d20 cuff links, because my fiance already made you some.
Willing to pull yourself together - Your manliness has been established at this point. Your nerdiness is second to none. Now you’ve got to pull yourself together. For the next few months, your only excuses for being late or forgetting something can only be one of the following: 1) you were recovering from the aforementioned bachelor party, or 2) you were helping one of the orc strippers recover from the aforementioned bachelor party. I know your life may currently be a pathetic cycle of going to a menial job and then drinking yourself stupid to cover up the smell of your own self-disgust, but you must pull yourself together for this event.
Honesty - You know that baby blue tux that I think will look really good on me, especially after i embroider a picture of two robots doing “it” to symbolize my love and passion for my bride-to-be? You better be ready to smack the stupid out of me before I finalize such decisions. In fact, your hands better be more calloused than John Henry’s, American folk hero and destroyer of machines, after you slap all the stupid ideas out of me. Just do so in places where the bruises won’t show please.
If you’ve got what it takes let me know ASAP.
P.S. If your name is a river in Africa, then I’ll also need you to be my best man too.